Posts Tagged ‘alf’
“Ideas are bulletproof.”
Do what you wanna do.
Say what you’re gonna say.
Do what you wanna do.
You start today. Start today…
I am constantly putting my life off. I have this (fluid) idea in my head about the manner in which I want to live my life. I constantly make resolutions, revisions that I plan to keep either immediately or as soon as X. I never stick with them, enact them. I am burdened by a constant sense of failure, of waiting.
Now there are several things which I need to consider here. Are my plans, my anticipation, all that important? And am I doing myself a disservice by feeling as if I’m not “really” living my life, or at least living/meeting my potential by not fulfilling them? Am I missing my actual experience? Probably, possibly. So there are two choices as I understand it. Either I cease to procrastinate or I cease to plan.
A woman I know recently had a baby. She described her labor as being “present.” I agree with that phrasing. And then I think of the mental state I had while in labor with Alice versus the one I have most of the time and… I need to change the way I think. I wrote a phrase once, “potential is what’s killing me.” I’m not sure that I understood it at the time, but I thought I did in the same way that I believe that I do now.
I start today. What does that mean? (This composition will probably start to come apart more here, be less ordered.) It means doing things rather than thinking about them. It means avoiding more of the things which encourage me not to think. It probably means sleeping less. It means maintaining more of a schedule. It means doing the things which I know are right. It means eliminating the superfluous. It means not letting this be just another abandoned attempt at reformation. I put off and I half-heartedly pine for ideals. I cause myself greater aggravation by trying to avoid mildly unpleasant activities. I need more discipline. I need more doing. Huh?
I need to write more. I’m not sure exactly why except that it seems important. The quote from Burroughs haunts me, “dying animals on a doomed planet.” But what else? I may try some other correspondence now because I think that I have said all that I can on this for the moment. The real test is action.
